“Hello? Hi, yes, I’d like to place an order to upgrade my Deluxe Emotional Walls package I got from you guys about 8 years ago. ….. Yes, I know I upgraded just under two years ago. ….. What’s that? No, no. Nothing in particular happened, just call it a….feeling. A gut instinct, if you will, that I’m going to need it. ….. Yes, I’m aware they’re already built up pretty well. ….. Please don’t lecture me about “needing to let someone else in.” I’ve been trying that. ….. Yes I have! For MONTHS now! Can I just order please?

“Ok, I’m going to need to increase the height of the walls. Some of these arrows are making their way in, and they fucking STING when they actually pierce something. I know I’ve currently got bazookas at every 90 degrees, but I’ll need to increase that to every fifteen. ….. Yes, I said fifteen. ….. What? ….. Yes, I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing. How are you possibly a salesman for your company? Are you TRYING to get me to not get these products? ANYWAY, I’m also going to need to increase my guard posts. I’ll need at least 20 guys at the tops of these walls ready to launch grenades out when necessary and at all times of the day, ESPECIALLY if I’ve been drinking. Oh, also, could you please convince these guys that when I do venture out of my walls, they need to NOT threaten to throw the grenades INSIDE the walls? ….. Yes, that happened recently.

“As for the inside, I’m going to need a definite upgrade on the Containing Weaknesses package. Over the past couple weeks, insecurity and self-consciousness both got out MULTIPLE times. ….. How far out? Oh man, out to where someone SAW them. Brushing them off as “being girly” only works so many times.

“While I’m at it, could I get the largest size you have of That-Fucking-Stings Away? You know, just in case.

“No, no I think that’s it for now. I hope. ….. Hmm? ….. Yes, I hope I can utilize your Tear Down Assistance soon, too.

“I really, really do. ….. No, that’s all. Thank you for your help.”

*sigh*