I Am Woman

Today I am struggling. Well, I suppose I’ve been struggling this week, truth be told.

You see, if you hadn’t heard, Ohio has gone ahead and attached anti-abortion, anti-birth control, anti-woman riders to their budget bill. Let me repeat that. TO THEIR BUDGET BILL.

Under the guise of “balancing the budget,” Ohio lawmakers have taken steps to make it nearly impossible for a woman to make her own reproductive choices, very similar to the ones I make daily since, like so many women I know, I am not ready to be a mother. GCB and I are not ready to be parents and have jointly and consciously made that decision.

I am at a loss here. I do not understand why such things were added to a budget bill. I do not understand how taking away access to birth control will do anything but cause more unwanted pregnancies, the results of which will be subsequently forgotten about by the state due to, you guessed it, budget cuts.

I do not understand how something can be signed into law that blatantly ignores the science of pregnancy.

I do not understand why an ultrasound is needed prior to obtaining birth control.

I do not understand how a law could consciously deprive a woman emergency health care. Have women become so loathed that if they choose to have an abortion, they deserve potential death themselves?

I do not understand how those who are anti-abortion are also anti-birth control as one leads to the prevention of the other. It seems that wanting to prevent abortions would push people to throw as much birth control to anyone and everyone. Fewer unwanted pregnancies = fewer abortions. It’s simple.

But it’s not really about that, is it? No. It’s about depriving women of making their own reproductive choices, about punishing their sexuality.

I will tell you that I have been utterly sick to my stomach at the image of multiple old, white MEN writing into law something that will rarely affect them.

And what kills me? Is that it’s not just single women who utilize birth control. I know MANY married women whom employ the use of IUDs, which could be deemed an abortion in and of itself by these new laws. I know some women who have said verbatim, “Our marriage would not have survived another child.”

How is it so easy to ignore half the population?

At this point, I’m sick and worried and sad. Ohio is a blue state, yet they signed these laws into being. My state? Well, my state nearly re-elected Todd “legitimate rape”¬†Akin.

Why? Why do they hate women so much?

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Love Hurts

So. Yesterday was quite cryptic, huh? I truly am sorry about that, but honestly, there’s some stuff I can’t, or more appropriately won’t, put on here. In the past I know I’ve written things about my family, but at a certain point that stops. These people are THE most important people in my whole life, and we’ve run into a situation where we have to band together and protect one another, support one another, love one another more than we’ve ever had to in the past. This is a really fucking difficult, dark time for us. I keep bursting into random tears, though today’s much better than yesterday. I know that doesn’t explain a lot, well, it doesn’t explain anything, but just know I’m grateful for the good juju being sent our way. Truly.

That said, and maybe it’s because of this situation, but some of the good things in life are seeming that much better. I just spent a week in Portland with my dad and his side of the family, and it was SO GOOD to see all of them. I hadn’t been out there since October of 2008, so there was a lot to catch up on. I have one cousin who looks just like me, so much so that it’s like looking into a mirror into the past. It’s weird. She acts like I did at that age too. Not to mention the time I was able to spend with my stepsisters, brother in law, dad, step-mom, niece, and nephew. The niece and nephew are getting SO BIG, and seriously I think I melted every single time my niece would call me “Aunt Ann.” This is, of course, not to be confused with “Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.” Just no.

I was talking to my grandmother on Sunday (at church even, and I didn’t even burst into flames). We were discussing children, marriages, etc, and she lamented that she’d wished she had done it right the FIRST time. The man she’s married to, my grandfather, is actually my step-grandfather, and her third husband. I suggested that I¬†wouldn’t be here then, which brought out her response of knowing that her children were supposed to be her’s, and she’d have had them regardless. I reminded her that I was supposed to be my mom’s. I was also supposed to be my dad’s. They’re not together, and haven’t been since I was fourteen, but I have no doubt that my mom was supposed to be with step-Mark. My grandfather is MY grandfather, as my biological grandfather died when I was 3, and I don’t remember him. I am where I’m supposed to be. I have MY family, as I was meant to have.

I guess I say all that because family has been on my mind a lot, obviously. Family on the other side of the country, family here, people who have married in, people I intend to make my family, people who are as close as family regardless of legal or blood ties. My mom’s best friend is family. My closest friends are my family. And these people are so important to me.

This sounds all rambly. That’s how it feels in my brain. I love this family of mine. Painfully so, at times. Sometimes they do things I disagree with, and sometimes they make me so mad all I can do is scream or cry or spend hours upon hours staring out the window and yelling horrible things at them in my head. Yet there’s always love. It’s conflicting, and right now, it hurts.

I don’t even know what to say past that.