Not What it Seems

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I am aware that for all intents and purposes, all over social media, I am one of those obnoxious “You can do it!!” type runners. Like so:

I’ll “like” people’s statuses about completing races, offer my services to friends when it comes to sending motivating emails (much like Miranda does for me), forward along my running/workout schedule as a template for someone looking for their own way of organizing fitness, comment on blogs, etc.

However, for all the benefits of this level of physical activity, and believe me there are TONS of benefits, there are some things that suck. Lots. For example.

-Being “rungry”: This is basically when you’ve kicked your metabolism up to the point where you are ALWAYS hungry. Eat until you’re full, sure! Be prepared to be hunting down the next meal within two hours or so though. Prime example. This morning my friend Timmy emailed me asking for my guacamole recipe. Upon receiving that email, my hunger kicked so far into high gear that all I can think of, still, is getting guacamole into my face. Did I care that it was 10am, which is traditionally not the time for delicious, delicious guacamole? No. AND THEN. Then my coworker decided to bust out with, “You know, I wish I was sitting on a patio, drinking a margarita.” WOMAN, are you trying to KILL ME? At 1115 I couldn’t take the yowling stomach anymore and went and heated up my lunch. An otherwise satisfactory lunch of leftover chicken fried rice has left me ENTIRELY UNSATISFIED and dreaming of chips piled high with the avocado-y goodness. Or a turkey sandwich piled high with it. Or a spoon piled high with it. Essentially, I will heretofore be unhappy with my state until guacamole gets into my system. Full stop. OMGUACAMOLE.

-The blisters: Yep. My poor little footsies are a bit worse for the wear at this point. It’s gross. I will spare you the graphic details, but just know that I have sworn off pedicures until at least three weeks after my Ragnar in order to save the poor pedicurist from what would surely be a frightening experience.

-The breakouts: Not face breakouts. Guys, when I workout, I wear a sports bra. When I workout, I sweat. When I workout, that sweat likes to stick around under my sports bra. Um…ew. Some weeks are worse than others, but still, it’s not the most fun situation. Looks like I’ll be sticking primarily to racerback tank tops for a bit.

-The boobs: Let me be clear here. I’ve never been what you might call “voluptuous” up top. I’ve got hips and an ass that could knock over just about anything, but disproportion has been a fact of my life for as long as…..well, since I got boobs. It was a source of SEVERE self-consciousness when I was younger, and every once in a while I still get those “dammit, I wish I had big boobs” cravings. Becoming comfortable in my own skin to the point of liking my own chest was one of my biggest emotional accomplishments a while back. I know, and knew going into this crazy workout thing I’ve had going for a while now, that the decreasing fat on my body during these workouts was going to make what little curve I had just go right on away. And they have, in spectacular fashion. I don’t think a single one of my bras fits correctly anymore, and those fuckers are EXPENSIVE to replace. Pretty sure I’m going to end up concave here before too long. The thing is? That curve that’s running away from my chest? It’s repositioning itself right back on my booty. Because MORE disproportion is what I needed, right? I mean, really, I can wear a pair of jeans that’s totally tight around my hips and butt and yet still stick out a good six inches from my waist. NEAT.

-Being sore/tired: I’m always sore. I’m always tired. Granted, this might be because I’m running constantly it seems like, and that tends to, oh I don’t know, tear muscle fibers. I am going to do hill sprints and lift today. I know that tomorrow is going to include me limping around work like I spent far too much time on a mechanical bull. And what am I going to do tomorrow? What any normal person would do: run twelve miles. The smartz. I haz them. It’s a constant that is manageable, but aggravating at times.

Even with the negatives involved, yesterday’s run (one of my best in a LONG time) and how I feel today have reinvigorated me. They’ve reminded me just how AWESOME it feels to get to the end of something and go “fuck YES I did that.” The time I spend with my running shoes and a long stretch of road is something I absolutely cherish. It’s MY time, no one else’s.

It’s my release and my joy and my happiness.

That. That is why I run.

A Pirate’s Life for Me

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Moving past yesterday’s rage, it’s time for some happy thoughts.

Last night, my sister posted a Facebook status about my niece. Apparently she had gone to check on the kids while they were sleeping. While she was in there, my niece said:

“Mom, dad put me back to bed, but shiver me timbers he forgot to put my blanket on me!”

I love that kid so much.

The Long and Winding Road

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Twenty-seven days. I am 27 days away from my next half marathon.

I am at an incredibly interesting juncture at this point, both mentally and physically. Going into any race both of these aspects are super important, and I’m finding that this time around has been an incredibly different journey compared to last time.

Mentally the whole thing has been a struggle. It’s somewhat fascinating, I suppose. I went into training knowing that I could finish the race. I’ve done it before, I will do it again. I’ll do it again at least three more times this year, actually. That knowledge, and probably cockiness, made the mental blocks I have faced/am facing so totally unforeseen that they’ve been some of the biggest challenges I’ve come across all year. I’ve been hit hard with some significant funks which have at times caused an inability to even make it off my couch, let alone out my front door. You all know this, as I’ve written about it.

This has shifted part of my focus, which has affected my physical training.

Physically there are parts of this running bit where I am still struggling. A lot. My long runs have either been nonexistent or cut down by a couple miles or delayed. My shorter runs aren’t anywhere close to where I’d like them to be. All of this has stemmed from mental blocks, and because of them I am not where I feel like I need to be physically. Not even close.

Today my girl Lo posted about how running is such a mental game, and she’s one hundred percent correct about that. This is going to be the fight I face for the next four weeks.

I have written and spouted and commented and tweeted about just how determined I am to look these challenges right in the face and overcome Every. Single. One of them. Yet I am still struggling with them. Looking ahead, I have three weekends to get my ass into gear. Those three weekends are as of now open enough to where there will be no excuses.

Finishing this race is my goal. Well, more accurately I suppose, finishing this race with a new PR time is my goal. Full stop. Getting to that point, though, is going to take me accomplishing other smaller yet entirely doable goals.

  1. Get all my workouts in. There is one day that I can see on my calendar coming up that this might be a challenge, but no more excuses. I feel like the entire past month has been LACED with excuses, which just makes me feel horrible. If I can’t even focus my energies and will-power towards training now, how on earth will I make it through this race (and Ragnar in June, and the halves in October and November, and the full in January)?
  2. Try harder at keeping a consistent and healthy diet. Earlier today I read a post on Workout, Eat, Repeat, and it was a glaring reminder that the way I’ve been eating (and drinking) lately has been so very much not conducive to, you know, HEALTH. It’s very easy for me to say “oh, I’ll run it off later,” but as Cheryl points out in that post, the stuff I eat is actually meant to be FUEL for what I’m doing, not just a way to make myself not hungry anymore. I always do better when I have a written out menu, and that’s what I’m going to be working on a lot over the next few weeks.
  3. Stop drinking during the week. Usually I don’t as it is, but I need to keep up with that. There will be one night (an all-inclusive Blues game at the beginning of April) where I know this will cease to be a goal, but other than that it’s time to stop. I know I’ll feel better because of it, and I know my workouts will be more beneficial to my body.
Three goals, four weeks, a world of improvement to be accomplished.
It’s all possible. It’s always possible. Right now it certainly seems like a long way to climb. It is terrifying. Yet I know when I get through all of this, I’ll be able to look back at this post and say, “I did this. I faced those challenges, and I won. Now, what else can I accomplish?”
I must believe.
Thanks definitely go to Josey’s mom for sending me this video. It was just what I needed.

We Are Young

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My friend Alison sent this to Ali and me as we were on our way to Chicago. Yep. Oh St Pat’s.

I’m going to need a month to detox from this one, yet fortunately enough had all of zero hangover all weekend. I suppose waking up and almost immediately opening another beer helps with that.

I roll with pretty ladies

This is what we call “Ann’s second wind”

I couldn’t tell you the number of bars we went to or the number of city blocks we walked or the amount of booze we imbibed or anything, but I CAN tell you that we’ve already made plans for a repeat next year.

All in all, such a needed weekend. Fantastic friends, ridiculously beautiful weather, and three days of not worrying about anything. Weekends like this are my favorite.

If It Makes You Happy

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I really don’t think I could have been more depressing lately. Remind me again why you guys are still reading? If I’d been you, I’d be all “dude, fuck this chick.” Well, maybe not, but you know what I mean.

I have gotten on my own nerves so much this week these last few weeks this month. Whatever.

There is too much good stuff that I am fortunate enough to deal with daily that wallowing will not get me anywhere. I have an apartment I love, a job that challenges me (and gave me a fairly decent raise just a month or so ago), a family who I adore to the ends of the earth, and a group of friends that makes me feel like I must have done something right in a previous life to be lucky enough to have them now.

I have my health and am physically capable of working out like I do, which not everyone can say. I am grateful for that.

Every once in a while I know I need to remind myself of this, that I have so much to be happy about. The following is my way of bashing myself over the head with that knowledge. These are reasons to be happy, and there are so many more. Mental note, take more pictures when out with friends.

Life is difficult, but it is good.

Vegas!

My mom’s side of the family. This isn’t even all of us.

Some of my favorite STL girls

Best friend/It’s-Complicated-With/Glycerine (her name is April)

Best friend uncle. I miss him

Jackie. Her face in this makes me laugh out loud. I can’t believe she’s going to be a mom.

The absolute loves of my life. 

Oldest grandkid, youngest grandkid

❤

Melissa. One of three normal pictures of us.
The Teacher, who I miss tremendously

Michelle (the baby)
I love these three
All my siblings

Cousins at our girls’ weekend in Orlando

It’s Your Decision

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The biggest challenge right now is convincing myself that is ISN’T going to hurt when I go out there.

This week wasn’t the greatest. I ended up taking Thursday AND Friday off from all workouts. Way to go self, take a mental health break from your mental health break. Neat.

Physical pain and mental pain have both run rampant (heh) when it comes to my workouts. The only way that mental block is going to go away is going to be getting rid of the physical barriers. That’s why I bought new running shoes on Friday.

I’m hoping that they will be fully broken in by the time the half marathon rolls around.

Some days this running business is really difficult.

This is all nonsensical babbling, I know. *sigh*

In the Pines, In the Pines, Where the Sun Don’t Ever Shine

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A few things:

–Apparently ordering an entire bucket of beer for oneself does not faze the servers at the bar we went to last night. Works for me.

–Kid Cudi covers Nirvana on his latest album. My current self is staring my seventh grade self in the eye. It is weird. Past meets present.

–I am starting to get questions about why I’m not going to Boozefest. It would be a lot easier to just tell people what happened, but I can’t seem to bring myself to. I miss them all. This hurts my heart. I will not break down this weekend. I will not break down this weekend. I will not break down this weekend.

–I skipped my workout last night. All of it. I napped and went and drank beer. Somehow I feel like this was necessary.

–This commercial motivates the shit out of me. Bring it on, Johnson Ochocinco Johnson Ochocinco.

–I don’t think I say it enough, nor do I think I express it enough to my friends, but I am so beyond grateful that when I’m out with my friends who are in couples that they don’t even slightly make me feel like the odd man out. They really are the bestest.

–Some other friends got me started on Game of Thrones. All I want to do is finish the whole entire first series. Now I am left waiting until we can watch more. This is sad.

–Missouri weather is weird.

Work It Out

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My friend Miranda sent this to me yesterday.

She could not have sent this to me at a more perfect time as all of my workout attempts this week so far have been so awfully abysmal that all I could do Tuesday when I got home from running was break down sobbing.

It is incredibly frustrating to head out for an eight mile run and get all of two and a half miles before the various painful body parts start screaming so loudly that the only physical option is to turn around and walk home, trying your damndest to not start crying before you get into the safety of your own apartment.

Mental note: Get new running shoes ASAP.

However, now it’s time to make it work. No matter what.

Five weeks, three days.

In an unrelated sidenote, it’s been two years since Kelly died. I still feel like I catch glimpses of her at work nearly daily. I miss her. So, so much.