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Still Running
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Category Archives: Determination
The Long and Winding Road
Twenty-seven days. I am 27 days away from my next half marathon.
I am at an incredibly interesting juncture at this point, both mentally and physically. Going into any race both of these aspects are super important, and I’m finding that this time around has been an incredibly different journey compared to last time.
Mentally the whole thing has been a struggle. It’s somewhat fascinating, I suppose. I went into training knowing that I could finish the race. I’ve done it before, I will do it again. I’ll do it again at least three more times this year, actually. That knowledge, and probably cockiness, made the mental blocks I have faced/am facing so totally unforeseen that they’ve been some of the biggest challenges I’ve come across all year. I’ve been hit hard with some significant funks which have at times caused an inability to even make it off my couch, let alone out my front door. You all know this, as I’ve written about it.
This has shifted part of my focus, which has affected my physical training.
Physically there are parts of this running bit where I am still struggling. A lot. My long runs have either been nonexistent or cut down by a couple miles or delayed. My shorter runs aren’t anywhere close to where I’d like them to be. All of this has stemmed from mental blocks, and because of them I am not where I feel like I need to be physically. Not even close.
Today my girl Lo posted about how running is such a mental game, and she’s one hundred percent correct about that. This is going to be the fight I face for the next four weeks.
I have written and spouted and commented and tweeted about just how determined I am to look these challenges right in the face and overcome Every. Single. One of them. Yet I am still struggling with them. Looking ahead, I have three weekends to get my ass into gear. Those three weekends are as of now open enough to where there will be no excuses.
Finishing this race is my goal. Well, more accurately I suppose, finishing this race with a new PR time is my goal. Full stop. Getting to that point, though, is going to take me accomplishing other smaller yet entirely doable goals.
- Get all my workouts in. There is one day that I can see on my calendar coming up that this might be a challenge, but no more excuses. I feel like the entire past month has been LACED with excuses, which just makes me feel horrible. If I can’t even focus my energies and will-power towards training now, how on earth will I make it through this race (and Ragnar in June, and the halves in October and November, and the full in January)?
- Try harder at keeping a consistent and healthy diet. Earlier today I read a post on Workout, Eat, Repeat, and it was a glaring reminder that the way I’ve been eating (and drinking) lately has been so very much not conducive to, you know, HEALTH. It’s very easy for me to say “oh, I’ll run it off later,” but as Cheryl points out in that post, the stuff I eat is actually meant to be FUEL for what I’m doing, not just a way to make myself not hungry anymore. I always do better when I have a written out menu, and that’s what I’m going to be working on a lot over the next few weeks.
- Stop drinking during the week. Usually I don’t as it is, but I need to keep up with that. There will be one night (an all-inclusive Blues game at the beginning of April) where I know this will cease to be a goal, but other than that it’s time to stop. I know I’ll feel better because of it, and I know my workouts will be more beneficial to my body.
Three goals, four weeks, a world of improvement to be accomplished.
It’s all possible. It’s always possible. Right now it certainly seems like a long way to climb. It is terrifying. Yet I know when I get through all of this, I’ll be able to look back at this post and say, “I did this. I faced those challenges, and I won. Now, what else can I accomplish?”
I must believe.
Thanks definitely go to Josey’s mom for sending me this video. It was just what I needed.
If It Makes You Happy
I really don’t think I could have been more depressing lately. Remind me again why you guys are still reading? If I’d been you, I’d be all “dude, fuck this chick.” Well, maybe not, but you know what I mean.
I have gotten on my own nerves so much this week these last few weeks this month. Whatever.
There is too much good stuff that I am fortunate enough to deal with daily that wallowing will not get me anywhere. I have an apartment I love, a job that challenges me (and gave me a fairly decent raise just a month or so ago), a family who I adore to the ends of the earth, and a group of friends that makes me feel like I must have done something right in a previous life to be lucky enough to have them now.
I have my health and am physically capable of working out like I do, which not everyone can say. I am grateful for that.
Every once in a while I know I need to remind myself of this, that I have so much to be happy about. The following is my way of bashing myself over the head with that knowledge. These are reasons to be happy, and there are so many more. Mental note, take more pictures when out with friends.
Life is difficult, but it is good.
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| Vegas! |
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| My mom’s side of the family. This isn’t even all of us. |
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| Some of my favorite STL girls |
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| Best friend/It’s-Complicated-With/Glycerine (her name is April) |
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| Best friend uncle. I miss him |
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| Jackie. Her face in this makes me laugh out loud. I can’t believe she’s going to be a mom. |
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| The absolute loves of my life. |
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| Oldest grandkid, youngest grandkid |
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| ❤ |
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| Melissa. One of three normal pictures of us. |
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| The Teacher, who I miss tremendously |
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| Michelle (the baby) |
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| I love these three |
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| All my siblings |
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| Cousins at our girls’ weekend in Orlando |
It’s Your Decision
The biggest challenge right now is convincing myself that is ISN’T going to hurt when I go out there.
This week wasn’t the greatest. I ended up taking Thursday AND Friday off from all workouts. Way to go self, take a mental health break from your mental health break. Neat.
Physical pain and mental pain have both run rampant (heh) when it comes to my workouts. The only way that mental block is going to go away is going to be getting rid of the physical barriers. That’s why I bought new running shoes on Friday.
I’m hoping that they will be fully broken in by the time the half marathon rolls around.
Some days this running business is really difficult.
This is all nonsensical babbling, I know. *sigh*
Work It Out
My friend Miranda sent this to me yesterday.
She could not have sent this to me at a more perfect time as all of my workout attempts this week so far have been so awfully abysmal that all I could do Tuesday when I got home from running was break down sobbing.
It is incredibly frustrating to head out for an eight mile run and get all of two and a half miles before the various painful body parts start screaming so loudly that the only physical option is to turn around and walk home, trying your damndest to not start crying before you get into the safety of your own apartment.
Mental note: Get new running shoes ASAP.
However, now it’s time to make it work. No matter what.
Five weeks, three days.
In an unrelated sidenote, it’s been two years since Kelly died. I still feel like I catch glimpses of her at work nearly daily. I miss her. So, so much.
Fighter
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Ooohhhh Sometimes….I Get A Good Feeling
The past couple weeks have been something of a stupidly long and sometimes exhausting and pretty much ridiculous emotional roller coaster for me. Things seemed to hit the apex this weekend, and good lord I hope things calm down.
Let’s just go through my emotions in order from Friday night to today, shall we?
Content
Self-conscious
Worried that I’d put myself out there too far, that I was going to end up hurt
Sad
Hungover (Maybe not technically a feeling per se, but I sure as hell felt it)
Amused
Happy
Amorous (This is what dancing does to me)
Really, really fucking pissed
Even more furious than that
Resigned
Exhausted
Hungover again (it was one of those weekends)
Irritated
Bemused
Irritated again
Annoyed
Sick to my stomach worried
Determined
Terrified
Motivated
Nervous
Stressed
Proud
That’s a long ass fucking list, and I can guarantee that I missed some in there. Those were the highlights. And the lowlights. Those were the ones that damn near made me lose my shit on a couple coworkers for various reasons, the ones that worried my friend Miranda to the point where she stayed on Twitter with me for nearly four straight hours. They were what made it impossible to sleep, what made me cry, what made me frustrated with myself for my own damn (impossible to stop) reactions.
I know I’ve written about it before, but I have a lot of emotions at all times. I am an over-analyzer, and that tends to make those bad emotions worse, due to things like my worst-case scenario brain and second-guessing myself and wondering whether they changed their mind (really, really hoping not on that last one).
Emotions can bring me to my knees, wracked in sobs.
They can bring me to the point where I am shaking with anger, clenching my fists and my jaw to prevent myself from lashing out at someone who doesn’t (well, sometimes they do) deserve it.
They can make me strut down a hall with the confidence that not a damn thing in this world could touch my happiness at that point.
Today that’s the type of emotion I felt. That pride (and the heels I am wearing) have me walking tall.
Today I finally got through a huge presentation that went out to nearly fifty of our team’s collaborators. I organized it. I got this pulled together. I worked my ass off on getting a PowerPoint formatted, I made sure every ‘I’ was dotted and ‘T’ was crossed. I collaborated with members of my team to get this put together, and made difficult decisions and got this thing to go off without a hitch. Today I stood in front of that group that included my boss’s boss’s boss, and I felt fucking proud of myself. I am by far the youngest person on my team, and today? Today I made my name known.
Today is also the one year anniversary of the launching of Aerys (which was at the time called G9 Sports). I have poured my soul and my tears and my passion and my frustrations and many a sleepless night into building a site I could be proud of. I have worked really hard to hone my writing skills, to find and create content that wasn’t just a carbon copy of every other Blues site out there. I have learned more about the sport of hockey in the last year than I could ever have imagined. I have made more friends than I can count, built working relationships and personal relationships, and I have found a niche. I nearly had a nervous breakdown with just how much I had taken on at one point, and I learned that sometimes, you have to really know your limits. Mine came when the prospect of running a fourth site just was too much.
Not that long ago at all, I felt a bit lost. Having friends in St Louis had all but ceased to exist, my job was neither fulfilling nor challenging which kept me far from motivated to want to stay, and I felt as though I was floating in a constant state of limbo.
And then it all changed.
Right now I am proud of the life I have built. I am proud of the trials I’ve overcome, the challenges I’ve faced, the funks and depressions and miserable times I have clawed and fought and climbed my way out of. I’m proud to be in a job where my opinion is valued, where I am considered an integral part of the team, where I can let my innate skill-set take me further into my CAREER. I am proud of the hobbies I’ve undertaken, of the things I’ve been able to experience and accomplish through my writing, of the races I’ve been able to complete, of the level of physical fitness I’ve been able to achieve. I am proud to have built solid friendships with one of the most amazing groups of people I know, of just how close we’ve all gotten over the last little while, and of the potential of more to come.
The best really is yet to come.
This is a good feeling.
I Can Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight
Hangover reference aside, this is not a good thing.
You know that feeling you get when you just KNOW one of those obnoxious, depressive funks is heading your way? Yeah, that’s me today. I am not ok with this.
Sure, it’s nice(?) to have the heads up, but good god this is annoying. There is NO REASON for a funk. None. I mean, shit, things have been going well in nearly all aspects of life.
Work’s busy and a bit stressful, but not to where I can’t handle it (yet). I’m signing another lease on my apartment which means no moving this year either. I found some things out Saturday morning that have made me beyond happy to the point where I can’t really think about it without grinning like a damned imbecile.
So what the fuck is wrong with me? I have so much to do at work, yet my motivation has completely disappeared. I am actually sleeping more through the night, yet I’m always tired. I have plans with fantastic friends for multiple upcoming weekends (beer pong at Ali’s , running with JD, out dancing for our girl Domma’s birthday), and while I’m excited for all these things, right here, right now, I’m down.
Tiny things are swirling through my brain at rapid pace, inconsequential thoughts are taking me over and are growing into big things, things that are threatening to be REALLY BIG THINGS.
They will not be really big things. I can’t let them. I guess the anxious feeling that precedes these funks is a flag waving in the distance yelling at me to snap out of it, do something to distract myself, LIFT MORE, hell, drink more Jameson.
I feel like I’m on a downward escalator, but just realized it was downward and am trying to climb back up to the top before I get to the bottom.
Dammit, that KID is on the ESCALATOR AGAIN!!!
Are You the Gatekeeper? 