Category Archives: Updates

The Long and Winding Road

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Twenty-seven days. I am 27 days away from my next half marathon.

I am at an incredibly interesting juncture at this point, both mentally and physically. Going into any race both of these aspects are super important, and I’m finding that this time around has been an incredibly different journey compared to last time.

Mentally the whole thing has been a struggle. It’s somewhat fascinating, I suppose. I went into training knowing that I could finish the race. I’ve done it before, I will do it again. I’ll do it again at least three more times this year, actually. That knowledge, and probably cockiness, made the mental blocks I have faced/am facing so totally unforeseen that they’ve been some of the biggest challenges I’ve come across all year. I’ve been hit hard with some significant funks which have at times caused an inability to even make it off my couch, let alone out my front door. You all know this, as I’ve written about it.

This has shifted part of my focus, which has affected my physical training.

Physically there are parts of this running bit where I am still struggling. A lot. My long runs have either been nonexistent or cut down by a couple miles or delayed. My shorter runs aren’t anywhere close to where I’d like them to be. All of this has stemmed from mental blocks, and because of them I am not where I feel like I need to be physically. Not even close.

Today my girl Lo posted about how running is such a mental game, and she’s one hundred percent correct about that. This is going to be the fight I face for the next four weeks.

I have written and spouted and commented and tweeted about just how determined I am to look these challenges right in the face and overcome Every. Single. One of them. Yet I am still struggling with them. Looking ahead, I have three weekends to get my ass into gear. Those three weekends are as of now open enough to where there will be no excuses.

Finishing this race is my goal. Well, more accurately I suppose, finishing this race with a new PR time is my goal. Full stop. Getting to that point, though, is going to take me accomplishing other smaller yet entirely doable goals.

  1. Get all my workouts in. There is one day that I can see on my calendar coming up that this might be a challenge, but no more excuses. I feel like the entire past month has been LACED with excuses, which just makes me feel horrible. If I can’t even focus my energies and will-power towards training now, how on earth will I make it through this race (and Ragnar in June, and the halves in October and November, and the full in January)?
  2. Try harder at keeping a consistent and healthy diet. Earlier today I read a post on Workout, Eat, Repeat, and it was a glaring reminder that the way I’ve been eating (and drinking) lately has been so very much not conducive to, you know, HEALTH. It’s very easy for me to say “oh, I’ll run it off later,” but as Cheryl points out in that post, the stuff I eat is actually meant to be FUEL for what I’m doing, not just a way to make myself not hungry anymore. I always do better when I have a written out menu, and that’s what I’m going to be working on a lot over the next few weeks.
  3. Stop drinking during the week. Usually I don’t as it is, but I need to keep up with that. There will be one night (an all-inclusive Blues game at the beginning of April) where I know this will cease to be a goal, but other than that it’s time to stop. I know I’ll feel better because of it, and I know my workouts will be more beneficial to my body.
Three goals, four weeks, a world of improvement to be accomplished.
It’s all possible. It’s always possible. Right now it certainly seems like a long way to climb. It is terrifying. Yet I know when I get through all of this, I’ll be able to look back at this post and say, “I did this. I faced those challenges, and I won. Now, what else can I accomplish?”
I must believe.
Thanks definitely go to Josey’s mom for sending me this video. It was just what I needed.

We Are Young

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My friend Alison sent this to Ali and me as we were on our way to Chicago. Yep. Oh St Pat’s.

I’m going to need a month to detox from this one, yet fortunately enough had all of zero hangover all weekend. I suppose waking up and almost immediately opening another beer helps with that.

I roll with pretty ladies

This is what we call “Ann’s second wind”

I couldn’t tell you the number of bars we went to or the number of city blocks we walked or the amount of booze we imbibed or anything, but I CAN tell you that we’ve already made plans for a repeat next year.

All in all, such a needed weekend. Fantastic friends, ridiculously beautiful weather, and three days of not worrying about anything. Weekends like this are my favorite.

Give Me Novocaine

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Last week, I hit my limit. Well, slammed face first into the brick wall of my limit is more accurate. Done doesn’t even begin to cover just how I felt about many, many things.

The resulting breakdown Saturday night as I drove home at three in the morning was just one aspect of the aftermath of a combination of exhaustion, cynicism, pain, resentment, anger, frustration, and a sincere inability to give a single fuck about anything but not feeling that way anymore.

Over the past two days, I’ve been forcing myself to let go. I’ve had no other option. I recognize that it is not healthy to hold those emotions in. It’s not helpful whatsoever to just shove everything down further and further until it comes bursting out of my eyeballs, and let’s be real. Sobbing while driving down the highway is neither safe nor productive.

My long run this weekend was supposed to be eight miles. I’ve skipped it so far. Physical exertion only gets me so far when it comes to ridding myself of all of that negativity.

So Sunday I went to see The Lorax with my awesome friend Alison and her most adorable three-year-old daughter (who spent the movie bouncing back and forth between her mom’s lap and my own. My goodness, I love that kid). Just being able to giggle at an adorable movie and laugh at the giggles of the kid, as well as make silly references to the real people some of the characters looked like with Alison was refreshing and much needed. Simple. Happy.

Then, joy of all joys, one of my best friends in the entire world, Nic, who I haven’t actually seen since August…..of 2010…..got here. I actually cooked a legitimately kick ass dinner (roast and garlic mashed potatoes and gravy and vegetables and oh my god I’m drooling again), we had wine, we had the world’s best catch-up session, and then we got to see American Idiot at the Peabody. The show was actually really fun and entertaining.

You know how you can have the best of intentions and sometimes all of that gets blown out the window? That was today. I took today off and had planned to get up and run my eight miles before doing anything else. Nope. It started with passing out on my couch last night and then subsequently sleeping until nearly ten this morning. Apparently last week wore me out. Those eight miles get to wait now. Instead of running, Nic and I went and got a pitcher of margaritas followed by nearly $40 worth of gourmet cupcakes. No, we did not eat them all at once.

This, all of this, was so precisely what I needed. No stress about how well my training is going. No work. No guilt over the stupid amount of calories I’ve forced into my body today. These past two days have been my Novocaine.

The thing about Novocaine is that it wears off.

The result is not the same feeling as before, but similar, deadened. This is the difficult part. The things that bothered me last week are still there, still sitting and patiently waiting to see if I’ll go ahead and succumb to that which would leave me stupidly depressed and incapable of any sort of positive thought. I can see them, but still being cupcake drunk (twisted pink velvet….oh yes), I can’t feel them.

I don’t want to feel them.

And so comes the active fight against that sinking. So come the days of faking it if I have to, of finding those things that will distract me to the point where things that bug me, that hurt, don’t anymore. Now is the time of consciously deciding to just, quite simply, let things go. Sometimes anger honestly isn’t worth it.

On Sunday I got the newest Kid Cudi album. The two before this have come out at incredibly poignant times in my life and have surprisingly enough gotten me through some really rough patches.

I wonder what Cudi has to say this time around.

Oops I Did It Again

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It’s late. I should be sleeping. I can’t sleep. Thought vomit.

–My little sister is pregnant. Holy crap, my little sister is pregnant. I have a niece and a nephew who I adore to the ends of the earth and beyond, but this one? This one could look like me being that we’re genetically related. Baby watch 2012 is officially ON.

–Relatedly, the number of pregnancy announcements on facebook has been UNREAL lately. At least six within the last week. Mazel tov?

–I pissed a lot of people off on Twitter the other day by ranting about how diet pills were never going to be as effective as a healthy diet and consistent exercise (this coming from an article I saw about a pill for obesity heading towards an FDA approval board). I stand by that statement, but the tone and the timing, being that it was a day or two after the article on Aerys that I wrote about how much I love my abs probably didn’t help my case. Ironically enough, I got to work this morning with an email in my inbox from WebMD and the CDC about how doctors are increasingly prescribing their patients exercise. In a nutshell, I really wasn’t trying to be a dick about it, and would rather be there to support any and everyone in their fitness goals rather than piss them off. My girl Lo and I messaged back and forth a little bit after the firestorm, and she decided to start her own blog about her journey through getting back into working out. Check her out!

–So that full marathon thing? Yeah, it’s been decided. January 13, 2013 in Walt Disney World, my friend Steph and I will be running a full marathon. Um….yikes? Yeah, I’m fucking petrified right now, but like I said on facebook, three half marathons and a Ragnar til I get to it, so focus goes to those first. Seven weeks til my next half. Ragnar’s at the beginning of June. Fuck yes, let’s do this.

–Why is it that dating comes in waves? The guy from a while back got cut because he fucked up REALLY badly (red flag after red flag after red flag). Then there was the one who I thought I had the mutual feeling thing with, but for some reason he shut down on me, which of course caused me to shut down on him. I said I’d leave him alone, and I have, though I’m still not entirely certain what happened there, which is a bit frustrating and disappointing, but there’s nothing else I can do. And finally there’s the one I’ve seen twice, maybe three times now who on paper is extraordinary but in practice? There’s something missing. Let me tell you just how much this makes me feel overly picky, and, like Ali said earlier, like I’m trying to find something wrong. I swear I’m not, so maybe there is something wrong with me? I say that mostly in jest, but on dark nights it’s difficult to convince myself otherwise. I suppose it doesn’t so much matter given that I’m sure I’ll be right back to the perpetually single life (and subsequent depressing posts) once again in short order.

–I can still taste the Pineapple Upside-Down Cake shot I took earlier. That will probably come back to haunt me. Probably some time in my lifting session that starts in six hours. If not then, I’d say definitely on the run I intend on going on after that. Seven weeks. Here we go again.

–According to this, I am a freak:

Just Breathe

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One of the things I know well about myself is that I am a total whiny cry-baby when I am sick.

And I am sick. A-fucking-gain. What the hell, immune system? Actually, a coworker today asked if I’d legitimately gotten rid of this nonsense from a month or so ago. Maybe I didn’t. I just know I don’t like it. Not even a little bit.

When I’m sick, I can take care of myself. I will drag my sniffly self to the store to get more tissues (dear lord, the ones with lotion are saving my poor little nose right now…ouch), I’ll force liquid medicine down my throat if I have to, I’ll stay home from work and sleep on the couch and get fluids in my system and all that stuff. I know when I have a fever and when it is breaking/how to break it.

But bloody hell, it’s been a rough day. Being sick makes me want to cry at EVERYTHING. I remembered that as I choked back tears walking out of a meeting today, when the only thing that bugged me was that I didn’t get an answer I wanted right then. Stupid shit, I know this.

At this point I just want someone to let me curl up next to them and have them play with my hair even though my head kind of hurts and rub my back and bring me soup and not really care if I fall asleep leaning on them and not mock me if I snore because I would since I can’t breathe through my nose.

Guess who’s too damned stubborn to call anyone to have them do that? This girl.

I just want a hug. And to be able to breathe through my nose. But mostly a hug.

Ooohhhh Sometimes….I Get A Good Feeling

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The past couple weeks have been something of a stupidly long and sometimes exhausting and pretty much ridiculous emotional roller coaster for me. Things seemed to hit the apex this weekend, and good lord I hope things calm down.

Let’s just go through my emotions in order from Friday night to today, shall we?

Content

Self-conscious

Worried that I’d put myself out there too far, that I was going to end up hurt

Sad

Hungover (Maybe not technically a feeling per se, but I sure as hell felt it)

Amused

Happy

Amorous (This is what dancing does to me)

Really, really fucking pissed

Even more furious than that

Resigned

Exhausted

Hungover again (it was one of those weekends)

Irritated

Bemused

Irritated again

Annoyed

Sick to my stomach worried

Determined

Terrified

Motivated

Nervous

Stressed

Proud

That’s a long ass fucking list, and I can guarantee that I missed some in there. Those were the highlights. And the lowlights. Those were the ones that damn near made me lose my shit on a couple coworkers for various reasons, the ones that worried my friend Miranda to the point where she stayed on Twitter with me for nearly four straight hours. They were what made it impossible to sleep, what made me cry, what made me frustrated with myself for my own damn (impossible to stop) reactions.

I know I’ve written about it before, but I have a lot of emotions at all times. I am an over-analyzer, and that tends to make those bad emotions worse, due to things like my worst-case scenario brain and second-guessing myself and wondering whether they changed their mind (really, really hoping not on that last one).

Emotions can bring me to my knees, wracked in sobs.

They can bring me to the point where I am shaking with anger, clenching my fists and my jaw to prevent myself from lashing out at someone who doesn’t (well, sometimes they do) deserve it.

They can make me strut down a hall with the confidence that not a damn thing in this world could touch my happiness at that point.

Today that’s the type of emotion I felt. That pride (and the heels I am wearing) have me walking tall.

Today I finally got through a huge presentation that went out to nearly fifty of our team’s collaborators. I organized it. I got this pulled together. I worked my ass off on getting a PowerPoint formatted, I made sure every ‘I’ was dotted and ‘T’ was crossed. I collaborated with members of my team to get this put together, and made difficult decisions and got this thing to go off without a hitch. Today I stood in front of that group that included my boss’s boss’s boss, and I felt fucking proud of myself. I am by far the youngest person on my team, and today? Today I made my name known.

Today is also the one year anniversary of the launching of Aerys (which was at the time called G9 Sports). I have poured my soul and my tears and my passion and my frustrations and many a sleepless night into building a site I could be proud of. I have worked really hard to hone my writing skills, to find and create content that wasn’t just a carbon copy of every other Blues site out there. I have learned more about the sport of hockey in the last year than I could ever have imagined. I have made more friends than I can count, built working relationships and personal relationships, and I have found a niche. I nearly had a nervous breakdown with just how much I had taken on at one point, and I learned that sometimes, you have to really know your limits. Mine came when the prospect of running a fourth site just was too much.

Not that long ago at all, I felt a bit lost. Having friends in St Louis had all but ceased to exist, my job was neither fulfilling nor challenging which kept me far from motivated to want to stay, and I felt as though I was floating in a constant state of limbo.

And then it all changed.

Right now I am proud of the life I have built. I am proud of the trials I’ve overcome, the challenges I’ve faced, the funks and depressions and miserable times I have clawed and fought and climbed my way out of. I’m proud to be in a job where my opinion is valued, where I am considered an integral part of the team, where I can let my innate skill-set take me further into my CAREER. I am proud of the hobbies I’ve undertaken, of the things I’ve been able to experience and accomplish through my writing, of the races I’ve been able to complete, of the level of physical fitness I’ve been able to achieve. I am proud to have built solid friendships with one of the most amazing groups of people I know, of just how close we’ve all gotten over the last little while, and of the potential of more to come.

The best really is yet to come.

This is a good feeling.

Wild Thing

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You know how sometimes I get some really wild hairs (hares?) about me and commit to doing something that’s just wildly insane? Every once in a while, those commitments end up falling through. Remember the 100 Push-Up challenge? That one got derailed when my finger got all surgerized and I got shishkabobed with that damn pin (which is still in a glass vial on top of my entertainment center, where it will remain).

This time, though, I think I’ve gone above and beyond anything I’ve committed to before.

Have you ever heard of a Ragnar race? I have agreed to run in Chicago’s.

Nutshelled: eleven other people and I run a relay race (three legs apiece) over nearly 200 miles, spanning from Madison, Wisconsin to Chicago. My piece will be sixteen miles.

I have until June 8 to make myself be physically capable of running sixteen miles over the course of two full days and overnight.

I’M BRILLIANT.

I also have this crazy idea that I’m just going to up and quit drinking after the weekend of St Pat’s. That’ll give me a full month of no booze before my marathon, which can have nothing but good effects. Now, we’ll see how that choice pans out as I see what the work stress situation is, but I have high hopes.

Hell, last time I quit drinking (for about two months after my Los Angeles trip about a year and a half ago), I lost two inches off my waist in a month. Things could get interesting.

Tomorrow is a day I would normally do Turbokick, but I’m feeling like since I’ve got these two monstrous races headed for me very soon, I should start running again instead. I’ve got six miles on the agenda for Saturday after I lift.

My muscles are never going to forgive me for this.