Dammit, Kid Cudi. I’m only four fucking songs into this album.
If you love soft, then you’ve already lost,
But if you love hard, you should let down your guard,
And follow your heart.
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| Many thanks to my beautiful aunt for this one. |
I’ve been told a lot lately I have monstrous walls. I am just a teensy bit aware of this.
I’m working on it.
Last week, I hit my limit. Well, slammed face first into the brick wall of my limit is more accurate. Done doesn’t even begin to cover just how I felt about many, many things.
The resulting breakdown Saturday night as I drove home at three in the morning was just one aspect of the aftermath of a combination of exhaustion, cynicism, pain, resentment, anger, frustration, and a sincere inability to give a single fuck about anything but not feeling that way anymore.
Over the past two days, I’ve been forcing myself to let go. I’ve had no other option. I recognize that it is not healthy to hold those emotions in. It’s not helpful whatsoever to just shove everything down further and further until it comes bursting out of my eyeballs, and let’s be real. Sobbing while driving down the highway is neither safe nor productive.
My long run this weekend was supposed to be eight miles. I’ve skipped it so far. Physical exertion only gets me so far when it comes to ridding myself of all of that negativity.
So Sunday I went to see The Lorax with my awesome friend Alison and her most adorable three-year-old daughter (who spent the movie bouncing back and forth between her mom’s lap and my own. My goodness, I love that kid). Just being able to giggle at an adorable movie and laugh at the giggles of the kid, as well as make silly references to the real people some of the characters looked like with Alison was refreshing and much needed. Simple. Happy.
Then, joy of all joys, one of my best friends in the entire world, Nic, who I haven’t actually seen since August…..of 2010…..got here. I actually cooked a legitimately kick ass dinner (roast and garlic mashed potatoes and gravy and vegetables and oh my god I’m drooling again), we had wine, we had the world’s best catch-up session, and then we got to see American Idiot at the Peabody. The show was actually really fun and entertaining.
You know how you can have the best of intentions and sometimes all of that gets blown out the window? That was today. I took today off and had planned to get up and run my eight miles before doing anything else. Nope. It started with passing out on my couch last night and then subsequently sleeping until nearly ten this morning. Apparently last week wore me out. Those eight miles get to wait now. Instead of running, Nic and I went and got a pitcher of margaritas followed by nearly $40 worth of gourmet cupcakes. No, we did not eat them all at once.
This, all of this, was so precisely what I needed. No stress about how well my training is going. No work. No guilt over the stupid amount of calories I’ve forced into my body today. These past two days have been my Novocaine.
The thing about Novocaine is that it wears off.
The result is not the same feeling as before, but similar, deadened. This is the difficult part. The things that bothered me last week are still there, still sitting and patiently waiting to see if I’ll go ahead and succumb to that which would leave me stupidly depressed and incapable of any sort of positive thought. I can see them, but still being cupcake drunk (twisted pink velvet….oh yes), I can’t feel them.
I don’t want to feel them.
And so comes the active fight against that sinking. So come the days of faking it if I have to, of finding those things that will distract me to the point where things that bug me, that hurt, don’t anymore. Now is the time of consciously deciding to just, quite simply, let things go. Sometimes anger honestly isn’t worth it.
On Sunday I got the newest Kid Cudi album. The two before this have come out at incredibly poignant times in my life and have surprisingly enough gotten me through some really rough patches.
I wonder what Cudi has to say this time around.
Edit: This is not directed at anyone in particular. If you think it’s about you, you’re probably wrong. Well, except number 4. That happened this week.
Helpful hints for dealing with Ann:
1. Do not under any circumstances assume you know why I am making a choice that I do.
2. Take what I say at face value. I’m not playing games or sending secret messages.
3. I am being direct. I am not being a jerk.
4. If you are trying to date me, do not get pissed when I tell you I can’t see you until next week since I am LEGITIMATELY busy. I’m not just fucking trying to get out of seeing you.
5. I run. A lot. This takes priority over a lot of things, sometimes over spending time with people. This will not change.
6. Most of the time when I am venting, I just need someone to listen. I don’t need a problem solver. I will solve things myself. Venting helps me.
7. Again on the dating thing, I may be a masculine chick, but for fuck’s sake, don’t make me feel like the dude in our interactions. Silent treatments make me decide to be finished. Done.
It has been a weird few days.
It has been a rough motherfucking week. This week’s not even over. Yikes.
You’d think that a week started with such a glorious Sunday, wherein I skipped all chore-like activities and went over to Ali’s to drink on the patio instead, would lead to an even gloriouser week. I think it was the awful run that snuck the bad shit in.
Fucking bad run.
You see, since Sunday I have been trying really hard and failing miserably at not letting things get me down. I am still beyond devastated that I am not going to Boozefest this year, but it was made official when I had to message two fantastic friends and tell them I wouldn’t be there.
I struggled mightily with not doing any sort of physical activity on Monday, even though I knew my knee would be better off for it.
I’ve been taking things the wrong way and have been overly sensitive to how coworkers talk to me, and that has made it incredibly difficult to keep a positive attitude when I’m there.
Weeks like this make me wish I still had my roommate Sarah, because I’d be able to come home and get a hug, and then we’d sit around eating chips and watching awful TV, and I would feel better. I could still do the chips and bad TV thing, but really, as is oh so usual, I just want the fucking hug. Sarah gives the best hugs.
This afternoon I have tried to pull myself away from this less than stellar feeling I’ve got going on and focus on the positives. It’s kind of working. Slowly.
Positive: I got my tickets purchased for the Cardinals home opener. I’ve been in STL five years. This will be the fifth consecutive home opener I’ve been to. Tradition, thy name is baseball.
Positive: My run today was pretty sweet. I felt good, no knee twinges, and I was able to run really hard. My time doesn’t so much reflect how hard I did run because stop watches cannot measure twenty-fucking-five mile per hour head winds. Up a hill. That was fucking DIFFICULT. However, the fact that my time today was identical to the time I got on this same course a couple weeks ago when I WASN’T battling monstrous winds is such a good thing. I’ll say one thing about how windy it’s been here lately. I’m going to be really fucking ready for running alongside Lake Michigan during that Ragnar.
Positive: Mini Reese’s peanut butter cups.
Positive: This upcoming weekend. I’ll be spending Saturday driving to and from CollegeTown because one of my very good friends from college is getting married, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for him. He is genuinely one of the best people I’ve met. After that, and even more exciting, one of my bestest friends Nic will be here. Here. To see me. I haven’t seen her in I can’t even remember how long, which I hate, but she will be HERE. We are going to see American Idiot at the Peabody, and I really cannot wait. Having Monday off totally helps that excitement.
Positive: Because Ali is such a rock star, she has offered to help ease the pangs of my not going to Boozefest. During the Boozefest weekend, I’ll instead be spending time at her house day-drinking with my STL crew, people I have come to wholeheartedly and unabashedly love. Our Sunday night dinners have come to mean so much to me. My weeks just don’t feel right if I haven’t played beer pong on Sundays.
Positive: Officially signing up for the Rock and Roll half in October.
Positive: And related. My marathon/Ragnar training buddies across the country. They hold me accountable. I am inspired by them.
Positive: Looking forward to St Patrick’s Day in Chicago. I’ve already been promised that I WILL see that green river. St Pat’s has always interfered with Boozefest. Lose one, gain the other. And I just really, really fucking love Chicago. It has been FAR too long since I’ve been up there, and I know that once I’m there I won’t want to leave. As per usual.
Positive: Running motivation pictures from Pinterest. I am not a member of Pinterest, but that does not stop me from going on there every once in a while and finding new things that keep me going, that push me harder, that make me want to get better, get faster, get stronger. I am helped in this endeavor by my dear friend Miranda who has emailed me these motivators at least three times over the last week. This morning’s post was one, and today’s addition is another.
Positive: That niece/nephew that’s on the way. I’m still beyond giddy. I can’t wait to snuggle the crap out of that little one. And then turn her/him into a Cardinals fan, because that’s the way it’s done in my family.
Positive: Writing. It might seem like gibberish to you, but it’s therapy to me.
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| Disclaimer: Not my abs |
Today it’s cold. Washing my hands with warm water made me warmer. That action made me wish that I was standing under a stream of similarly warm water, but that would mean I’d be showering. Showering at work would be no bueno because that would mean I’d been covered in some awful chemical that needed to be instantly washed off.
And then I’d have to walk outside in soaking wet clothes or in just a lab coat, both of which would make me colder.
I guess I’ll settle for just washing my hands over and over.
Mincing words, I shall not.
My run yesterday fucking blew. A lot. Not by timing standards as I finished 7 miles at a 9:04 average mile pace, but guys? It fucking sucked. The whole thing.
I’ll not sit here and list the reasons it was horrible, but suffice it to say a little over half way through my run, I stopped. Flat out stopped. Shut off my stop watch and stood there. That will get me all of nowhere when I get to the day of the half marathon.
This is one of the frustrating things about working out is that sometimes? Sometimes workouts just suck. In retrospect the workouts that I put myself through on Thursday and Saturday probably had something to do with the exhaustion I felt, so I made the decision to take today off.
Well, tweaking my left knee helped make that decision too.
It’s rough when a day that FEELS like it’s going to be great then ends up beating the shit out of you. It’s demotivating, it’s frustrating, and it certainly puts up a mental block. I KNOW the type of training I have heading for me in these last few weeks, and after yesterday there’s a part of me that wants to throw up my hands, shout “fuck it,” and not even worry about it.
Every once in a while I have to remind myself that I AM human and these bad days are going to happen, but it will be worth it in the end to make sure I keep going.
I have to keep going.
I will keep going.
Tomorrow. Heh.
Do you ever have those moments where you are in bed, all nice and snuggly, and then you’re in a sheer panic because “OMG is it Monday? Am I supposed to be at work? Crap, did I miss my alarm?”
That part sucks. The good part though is realizing that no, in fact, it IS still Sunday and you have the WHOLE DAY to do whatever you damn well please. I haven’t had a day like this in AGES.
I was able last night to stay up late talking to two of my best friends (Google + hangouts are my favorite right now), and then turned my phone off and just let myself sleep in. Granted, I got to all of 7am before I woke up, but I then promptly rolled over and burrowed further into that cocoon of goodness. Happiness.
I have a wicked schedule for the rest of my day, though. Check it out.
Having already eaten breakfast, I’m going to drink coffee.
Concurrently, I will put in a movie, I’m thinking Bridesmaids, and curl up on my couch under a blanket and stay in my Hugh Hefner pants and my hoodie for another couple hours.
After that, the weather is supposed to be bloody fantastic around here, and I’m scheduled for a seven-mile run, so I’ll probably go do that. Well, not probably. Definitely. I’m going to run seven miles sometime today, end of story.
The conclusion of that run will lead to the expected things: showering, getting ready, finding food (accompanied by a smoothie, perhaps) etc, and I might very well do some laundry. Maybe. That laundry part doesn’t sound like much fun, so that might get put off until tomorrow.
I also should make a menu and go grocery shopping, which technically shouldn’t be too difficult, just time consuming.
If I get around to it, I’ll make banana bread with the two bananas who ended up a little too mushy for my taste, and are now just all sorts of mushy which is the best type of banana to turn into bread.
Sunday night dinners are always at Ali’s, and depending how late I’m there, I may have some extra time at the end of the day to relax and watch some It’s Always Sunny…..
I’m pretty sure I’m just going to go ahead and leave my phone where I can’t see or hear it until I head to Ali’s. My computer is going to be closed, no more social media, and I’ll be taking the rest of the day to, as one of my coworkers loves to say, “find neutral.” But see, today’s not neutral.
Today is going to be a good day.
PS, the happiest of anniversaries to my Mama and StepMark. Twelve years and going strong. Psst, guys? I think those two are gonna make it. 🙂
It’s late. I should be sleeping. I can’t sleep. Thought vomit.
–My little sister is pregnant. Holy crap, my little sister is pregnant. I have a niece and a nephew who I adore to the ends of the earth and beyond, but this one? This one could look like me being that we’re genetically related. Baby watch 2012 is officially ON.
–Relatedly, the number of pregnancy announcements on facebook has been UNREAL lately. At least six within the last week. Mazel tov?
–I pissed a lot of people off on Twitter the other day by ranting about how diet pills were never going to be as effective as a healthy diet and consistent exercise (this coming from an article I saw about a pill for obesity heading towards an FDA approval board). I stand by that statement, but the tone and the timing, being that it was a day or two after the article on Aerys that I wrote about how much I love my abs probably didn’t help my case. Ironically enough, I got to work this morning with an email in my inbox from WebMD and the CDC about how doctors are increasingly prescribing their patients exercise. In a nutshell, I really wasn’t trying to be a dick about it, and would rather be there to support any and everyone in their fitness goals rather than piss them off. My girl Lo and I messaged back and forth a little bit after the firestorm, and she decided to start her own blog about her journey through getting back into working out. Check her out!
–So that full marathon thing? Yeah, it’s been decided. January 13, 2013 in Walt Disney World, my friend Steph and I will be running a full marathon. Um….yikes? Yeah, I’m fucking petrified right now, but like I said on facebook, three half marathons and a Ragnar til I get to it, so focus goes to those first. Seven weeks til my next half. Ragnar’s at the beginning of June. Fuck yes, let’s do this.
–Why is it that dating comes in waves? The guy from a while back got cut because he fucked up REALLY badly (red flag after red flag after red flag). Then there was the one who I thought I had the mutual feeling thing with, but for some reason he shut down on me, which of course caused me to shut down on him. I said I’d leave him alone, and I have, though I’m still not entirely certain what happened there, which is a bit frustrating and disappointing, but there’s nothing else I can do. And finally there’s the one I’ve seen twice, maybe three times now who on paper is extraordinary but in practice? There’s something missing. Let me tell you just how much this makes me feel overly picky, and, like Ali said earlier, like I’m trying to find something wrong. I swear I’m not, so maybe there is something wrong with me? I say that mostly in jest, but on dark nights it’s difficult to convince myself otherwise. I suppose it doesn’t so much matter given that I’m sure I’ll be right back to the perpetually single life (and subsequent depressing posts) once again in short order.
–I can still taste the Pineapple Upside-Down Cake shot I took earlier. That will probably come back to haunt me. Probably some time in my lifting session that starts in six hours. If not then, I’d say definitely on the run I intend on going on after that. Seven weeks. Here we go again.
–According to this, I am a freak:
So.
I just told my friend that I would run a full marathon in 2013.
Welp.
Are You the Gatekeeper? 