Shake it like a Polaroid Picture

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Today I have been going through old pictures. This all started due to a question my mom asked. Do you avoid getting your picture taken?

If you ask my mom, she will tell that without a doubt, since the very beginning, I have been an absolute camera ham. There was a time I tried to deny it, but there is no denying the truth. And the truth is evident through years and years of goofy faces and candid shots etc.

I love pictures. I love them. They tell a story and remind me of some of the best times I’ve ever had. Since Facebook came around, it’s been even easier to document those times.

This morning I followed my entire Facebook photo stream all the way back to 2005. You know, back when college kids with a valid college issued email address were the only ones allowed on Facebook (hey, businesses, get off my Facebook lawn). Let me just tell you about that progression. Holy crap.

I found myself laughing out loud at some of the memories, wincing at some of the friendships lost that I still miss and in some cases those I don’t, being reminded of past and lost loves and knowing each of them made me realize instantly what I had found in GCB, and finding themes throughout the years, throughout my life I suppose.

In all these pictures, I am SMILING (or in some cases making what could technically pass as a “sexy face”). In those moments I was happy. Even though many circumstances of my life are far from where they were at those points, happiness just radiates from each and every one of the nearly 2000 pictures that I’m tagged in. This doesn’t even include ones I’ve taken that I wasn’t in, ones that I’ve untagged in older years where I realized that some things didn’t need to be directly associated with me.

Over the last few years, I’ve taken this blog as a platform to share the specific pictures that still make me overwhelmingly happy. I love that I can go back and look through some of my favorites that are also associated with some commentary. This place tells the better story than Facebook. This place reminds me of all I’ve made it through. What’s an even more stark reminder of that is my former xanga blog, which I do have saved for me, though it is definitely deleted in the online world.

However, this blog is finite. It has a specific start date. It has posts which should probably be transferred back to a draft form. Many of you were not around for the times before I posted pictures, but those times are as much of who I am as the ones I post nowadays. They MADE me who I am.

Would you like to see some?

Going back through pictures of 2005, there is one, ONE picture that contains entirely people I still speak to. Those people? My sisters.

I see this picture and wince at just how skinny I was. I put on 30lbs shortly after this picture. Thirty NECESSARY pounds.

Everyone else in that year’s pictures are former RAs, former residents, group pictures of friends, pictures with old roommates, and filled with people I don’t talk to anymore.

2006 is when more people show up who are still around. That’s the year that April makes her first appearance, where pictures stop focusing on my life in the dorms and starts looking at the things I’m doing separate from Res. Life. This is the year that I partied my ever-loving ass off over the summer, the year that I got bored and chopped 8 inches off my blond hair and dyed it dark brown. This is the year I realized that my grades were good enough, that medical school wasn’t for me, and that the opportunities I had then would probably not show themselves ever again. This is the year I learned to LET. GO. and just live.

This was April’s last day in Springfield. I will not post the picture of the blubbering tear-filled goodbye from later that night.
My stepmom had us take these pictures for my dad for Father’s Day…..or his birthday. One of the two.
I spent most of my summer that year with these two ladies. Edit: I spent most of my summer that year buying alcohol for these two ladies.
And then there was no hair.

There are gaps in 2006. There was the trip I took to Hawaii that is documented in hard copies, though they are in the possession of the high school best friend who is no longer in my life. There is the presence of my dear friend Nic, who while she is in pictures, her online presence is an anonymous one, and I won’t be the one to encroach on that. There are the pictures that I have copies of from my very first apartment with roommates who I grew apart from and to this day still only communicate with one. There is a complete lack of the fact that 2006, though an incredible year, was one of the most emotionally difficult years of my entire life, as completely changing one’s career path will send one into an existential crisis.

And then there was 2007. For quite a while, I considered 2007 to be the very best year of my life. I got a big kid job, graduated college, bought a car, moved to St Louis. I, for all intents and purposes, grew up. But I played. Oh how I played.

My closest and dearest friend in the world.
Step 1….

2008. That year was a transition year. Those transitions are actually fairly well documented over in my archives. There were good times in 08, don’t get me wrong, but there were very, VERY low times. I was head over heels for someone who would clearly never reciprocate. Any friends I had in the city left. I lived by myself for the first time ever. But looking back through the pictures, there are some bright spots. It’s the year I met Ali and JD. It was the year of baseball and beer pong and the first edition of Sunday night dinners. It was the year of do-or-die, essentially, of perseverance, and of learning my own strength.

The next year contains another wave of people I no longer speak to, even though 2009 was not that long ago. But there are still the happy pictures that include a few from the best birthday I’ve ever had. So many happy times.

At National’s Park in DC.
After reconnecting with a very dear friend of mine, we took “prom” pictures at the Capitol. This was one of them. I don’t even know who this guy is, but I’m glad I have this picture.
25th birthday party. Best. Ever.

That birthday is pretty much where my former blog picks up on the pictures. It’s where afterwards you find and read about and SEE trips across the country to see baseball stadiums, friends moving in and out of my life, love, joy, heartbreak, depression. There are Mardi Gras celebrations and New Years and family time and birthdays. You can see my first half marathon and becoming comfortable enough in my own skin to SHOW it off to the world. There are tales of frustration and happiness and determination. There are 30 solid days of posts. There’s meeting and falling in love with the man of my dreams. And through all of it, there’s me.

This little place of the internet is me. It’s my heart and soul bared for all to read, and now for all to see.

Much too Young to Feel This Damn Old

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Yesterday I ran ten miles.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

Yesterday I “ran” ten miles.

I say “ran” because in all actuality, I RAN seven miles, I jogged mile 8, and I SUFFERED through miles 9 and 10.

Hey, hip flexor, how YOU doin’?

You want to know how much this freaks me out? A lot this freaks me out. Why? Because right now I am physically prepared to run a half marathon in five weeks.

I have two half marathons in the next four.

Well, fuck. That math just doesn’t add up.

Part of the freak out comes from the fact that in my first half marathon, miles 8 and 9 were where I hit my block, where my mind and body started rebelling. And that was after ACTUALLY training!

So, yeah, not feeling so confident about this whole RACE thing. I mean, I’m going to fucking do it. Of course I’m going to fucking do it. I’m just kind of worried about how my brain will process the whole thing.

Yesterday I also printed off my waiver form for the Rock N Roll half, which showed me having registered with an expected completion time of 1:50:00. Aaaaaaahahahahahaha.

At this point, honestly, I’ll be happy to finish sub-2:10. Granted, this time I’ll have a support system at more places than miles 2 and 13 (hi mama, I love that you and baby sister were there!), being that hopefully GCB will be feeding me beer at mile 9. And really, I ran a 5k (yes, I know a half marathon is like 4-something 5ks) the other day and felt…well, perfect after actually.

Granted, today my hip flexor is still angry, I’m still limping, and now I have a week and a half to talk myself into going balls-to-the-wall for 13.1 miles.

Psh, no big deal, right?

Ten

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It is already October. How in the hell is it already October?

Only ten months into 2012 and I feel like this has been the best year of my life. Already. Between signing up for a marathon and running Ragnar and meeting GCB and moving into a new role at work/getting a raise and settling into an incredible routine with some of the best friends a girl could ask for, things are, and have been, pretty amazing.

And things are just looking to get better.

In the coming weeks, I’ll be running a 5k with April and some other friends, going to the final Cardinals game of the season, going to see Les Miserables with my mama, running two half marathons, taking a trip to Arizona with GCB, celebrating my birthday, and continuing to run many, many miles on a weekly basis. And that just gets me into the first week of November.

It seems like life is just flying by at an ever-increasing speed, and some days knowing there is so much great stuff ahead, it’s difficult to just STOP and look around me. This is something I work on every day.

Because this time IS so incredible. Just this week I will get to see my young cousin’s first ever varsity volleyball game, go and spend time with GCB’s sister, bro-in-law, and two ADORABLE nieces, go to the baseball game, have a dinner date with my closest friends, and hopefully see a friend of mine who’s in town from Texas. Such a great week’s worth of plans.

Have I mentioned that life is awesome lately? Because it totally is.

Stronger

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Over the last few weeks, multiple times I have opened up my dashboard to actually write something here. Sometimes I’ll get a title, some days a couple sentences, but more often than not (obviously) I close out the draft and delete it.

Some days I feel like I have run out of words.

Yesterday I went running. Seven and a half miles, officially the longest distance I’ve put myself through since Ragnar. I found a few words when I was done.

OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS THAT FUCKING HURTS OW.

However, those words actually made me feel better.

You see, the ow comes from a sore hip. Not my lungs, not my muscles. That means big things to me.

It means I’m getting stronger.

I’d imagine that you could tell with the lack of any sort of blogging (besides the vomitous sunshine and rainbows about GCB) that this round of training has been anything but ideal. Throughout the entirety of August as well as a big chunk of September, I hated it. Hated. The weather was abysmal, my muscles weren’t remembering what they were trained to do fast enough, I wasn’t improving, I was slow, I was miserable. My workout schedule from those months is rather depressing, given how many days I would highlight the content and hit “delete.” I honestly did not fucking care. Didn’t care about my desired PR or about the fact that my next two half marathons are both less than (at this point) 40 days away. I didn’t care that I was severely handicapping myself by NOT caring. It got to the point that GCB was incredibly worried about me. He’d never seen me struggle so badly with something I loved so much.

And then last week happened. Two weekends ago the weather changed. It went from blisteringly hot and suffocatingly humid to sunny, breezy, 70F, and beautiful. It became running weather.

I’ll admit it. I was terrified to go running. What if my runs were STILL just as bad as they had been? Would I be as slow or as incompetent? Would my mental blocks stand firm? Would the burnout from before Ragnar carry into now?

It didn’t. Oh my goodness, it didn’t. Last week’s six miles were THE best miles I have run since the second leg of Ragnar (you know, the one at 330 in the morning). I was exhilarated. Ecstatic. ALIVE. Every single step, every breath that I took reminded me of just how much I love doing this, how much this is a part of WHO I AM.

It gave me hope. It made me feel SEXY, even through the sweat and running eyeliner and bug carcasses that were stuck my skin (gnats = plankton, as far as I’m concerned).

I went straight to GCB’s house afterwards, and I know I was grinning like a maniac for a few hours after. It was the best runner’s high I’d had in a while.

Which of course leads me to last night.

I texted GCB about being sore, but then I got home, walked up my stairs, and realized it was just my hip. My hip that has more to do with my joint and the fact that I could probably use new running shoes rather than my muscles not being strong.

I am stronger than I have been in a while. My muscles are REMEMBERING what they were made to do, REMEMBERING how good this feels. I feel like I have reclaimed my motivation, my desire to get that PR, to FINISH THAT FUCKING MARATHON.

Progress.

I have missed this.

Crazy Beautiful Life

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You guys, life is CRAZY. I’m sure you’ve realized this, as it’s been weeks since I’ve posted. My apologies. So let’s update you! Bullet-point style.

  • First off, I have a brand new nephew! He was born 530am yesterday morning, and was a teensy 7.0lbs, 18.5 inches long. My sister is a freaking rock star as she labored with him for TWO DAYS and still delivered him unmedicated. She’s exhausted still, but both she and the baby (who is at last check still nameless Edit: I just got a text message from my mom. His name is Thomas.) are doing wonderfully. The kiddo has LOTS of blond hair, and I cannot wait to meet him in (hopefully) six weeks.
  • On the work front, I’ve recently been moved into a (what my boss calls) utility player role. This has kept me super busy both in the lab and doing the quality management stuff, but it’s been great to learn new stuff and stay busy at the same time.
  • So a couple weekends ago, I noticed a slight crack in my living room ceiling. That weekend it rained like crazy, and by that Monday, my ceiling was split basically into quadrants and looked like it was going to come crashing down on me at any moment. There were bits of ceiling on my floor, which is the exact opposite location of where they should be. Last Tuesday they called and told me they were going to completely replace my ceiling, which meant I had to move everything out of my living room and gather enough stuff to last me for a week. I have yet to get back into my apartment, but it’s supposed to be done today. It’s been kind of fun living with GCB, and even though we spend nearly every day together as it is, it will be nice to have the option of going home. However, what I wasn’t expecting was what happened as I moved stuff. I went through my bookcase to try to pare down what books I owned. After two monstrous piles of books to donate as well as books that I’ve borrowed and never read, I am at a point where I’m ready to THROW AWAY ALL THE THINGS. The amount of extraneous crap lying about my apartment is kind of unreal, and I plan on fixing that post haste. This afternoon my intent is to go through at least a closet and two sets of drawers and get rid of everything I don’t need. This will be a large amount of stuff. I’m kind of looking forward to it.
  • Marathon training is….going. I’m going to be incredibly honest and tell you that the entire month of August made me hate running. A dread type hate, where I didn’t even want to walk out my front door. My runs were abysmal, I felt no ounce of progress, and it’s incredibly disheartening/demotivating to feel that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Luckily last week I had two REALLY good runs, and it was such a boost. It is officially less than four months til the big race, with two half marathons looming just a few weeks from now. It’s terrifying, and I’m really hoping the joy that I normally feel running makes its return before I end up in a serious race situation. I’m just under 5 weeks until the Rock and Roll half. I have five weeks to get my ass in gear. This should be interesting.
  • Things with the boyfriend are phenomenal still. Moreso than I could ever have imagined. He’s pretty damn fantastic.
  • As for what I’ve been doing besides that? Everything. Baseball games and dinners and weekends with friends/family/the boyfriend. Four-wheeling and fantasy football and mourning the NHL lockout. Starting to write for a different hockey place (details when I actually publish my first piece) and just enjoying things. A friend of mine commented recently that I’ve been quite scarce from the Twitter world. I realized that instead of commenting on life there, I’m living it. Living it well.

Friends, things are good great. I’m happy. Very, very happy.

Nobody’s Perfect, but You’re Perfect for Me

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The other day I was lying in bed with GCB, and out of the blue he said to me, “How come you don’t blog anymore? You used to write about how awesome I was all the time!”

So this is for him.

Reasons my boyfriend is awesome.

1. He’s such a jock. The past few weeks his summer hockey league has been in the playoffs. Last week his game was at 10pm, and he was SO amped after the game (they won) that he couldn’t get to sleep until after 2am. He left yesterday for a vacation while his team was playing for the championship last night which made him nearly delay his flight out so he could play. I totally understand the competitive spirit he has, that desire to actually be out there and play, and I think it’s awesome. It means that he gets me when I’m irritated with my own performance in a race or with a run in general. It means that he’s willing to come out with me and be active (see: Tap’n’Run). It means that he encourages me when I’m struggling to find the motivation to get my ass out the door.

2. He’s also a monstrous nerd. Let’s be honest. I’m a super-nerd. I wear my nerd flag as a cape, rather than choosing to fly it sporadically. I recognize this. He is just as nerdy. This is all made evident by all sorts of things. References to Harry Potter in every day conversation, his level of excitement over a Lego Batman Playstation game, and the fact that his trip to Orlando was specifically in order to attend Star Wars Celebration VI. Apparently I am lucky that he still loves me even with the “large number of passable Slave Leia’s in metal bikinis.” According to Ali and Alison, his jock-dom does not cancel out just how nerdy this makes him, but it makes me feel like my jock-nerd-hybrid lifestyle is comparatively complemented. I like that.

3. He’s family oriented. His sister had a baby girl a couple weeks ago (another A. Marie in the world!!), and we were lucky enough to be able to go over to their house, cook them dinner, and just hang out with their family. He was entirely excited at this prospect. I absolutely melted watching him hold that tiny newborn, and the absolutely love-struck look he gave me as his niece grabbed ahold of his shirt dissolved me into goo. Not only is he willing to do anything for his family, but he’s been such a big hit with mine. My three year old cousin just absolutely adores him, and even asked to snuggle with GCB instead of my aunt when he was ready to take a nap. He sat down and talked with my grandfather for nearly an hour. He made sure to get out of work so he could see my mom while she was in town. And to top it all off, when I tossed out the idea of having two of my cousins come up to the city and play with us all day, he was all about it, suggesting different things that we could do with them. I get to take him out to Arizona in two months to meet even more of my extended family, and I could not be more excited about it.

4. The fact that he brought me a banana and nutella calzone the other day. It was so good I nearly passed out from deliciousness.

5. He and I see eye to eye on both politics and religion. I know that there are plenty of people who are able to overcome opinion differences in these two areas, but the fact that I don’t have to worry about it is entirely awesome.

6. He entertains me. The other day we were trying to figure out what to do for dinner. I suggested that we attempt to recreate a dish from Cheese-ology using just our imaginations. He didn’t hesitate to say yes, and then played me in a best-two-out-of-three game of rock/paper/scissors to figure out which dish to choose to duplicate.

7. He just is. He makes me feel desired and beautiful and smart and funny all at once. He’s hilarious and keeps me laughing on a regular basis. He’s an unwavering support system. He just FITS.

I love you, baby. Come home to me safely.

Work Hard, Play Hard

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It’s official. Marathon training has begun. FULL marathon training.

Scary.

Really scary.

Five months from Monday is the Disney Marathon in Orlando, FL. I had a mild panic attack the other day realizing that it’s less than half a year away.

Then I had another teeny one yesterday after I tried running on a treadmill and thought I was going to die. I have a lot of work to do, a lot of ground to make up from my two months off.

I am bracing myself for the constant soreness, for ALWAYS having at least one part of my body hurting. Right now it’s my traps and my inner thighs. Tomorrow will probably be my hamstrings and abs.

There are just over two months until my two half marathons in three weekends jaunt.

There are miles upon miles that I am getting ready to run.

There is the knowledge that I’m going to have my footsies covered in blisters in no time.

There’s the fear, the apprehension. What if I can’t do this?

There will be the routine that I sidle into, between time in the gym and time out on the open road.

There will be sweat and pain and roadblocks, both mental and physical, and then the bull-headed attempts to refocus my motivation, which I’m sure will wander from time to time.

There’s a lot of work ahead of me.

Here we go.

It’s a Beautiful Day

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Some days serve as reminders. Some days all it takes is a conversation or a picture or a song to remind you just how lucky you really are.

Today was that day.

Scratch that. I’ve been reminded of this daily for a while now. There’s just something about today though that’s making it that much more evident.

I’m struggling to come up with adequate words right now other than “I am one lucky, lucky lady.”

I have a family who has banded together more in these last few weeks than I ever knew was possible. There have been phone calls and texts and emails and visits and hugs and reminders of the unwavering support system that is in place for if any one of us falls. I am so grateful for them. Today my uncle finalizes his adoption of his wife’s children. HIS children. It’s been a long time coming, and I could not be more thrilled for their whole family. They live in Arizona, which is where I’m headed in October, and I CANNOT wait to see him, his family, and the rest of my aunts/uncles/cousins who live out there.

I have a job, an apartment, a car, and independence. I’m healthy and have the ability to workout and train for races for the lone fact that I like it. Though I’m incredibly sore today, it’s a great feeling to have been sweating for a reason OTHER than just walking out my front door.

My friends are THE best friends in the entire world.

First names start with A. Middle names are Marie. We could start a club.

They are there for me no matter what I need. They are who I want to spend time with. They are family. It took a while for my core group of friends to be built in St Louis, but now that it has been? I can’t imagine it being any other way. I am beyond fortunate to know such an incredible group of people.


And to top it all off, I have the love of my life to go home to every day. Some nights it’s my home, some nights it’s his home, and next spring it will be OUR home. Today I had a couple conversations that reinforced just how incredibly fortunate I am to be with someone who is as kind and thoughtful and generous as he is. He shows me he loves me as often as he tells me. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I honestly can’t imagine life without him. I am SO LUCKY to have him.


Nauseating sap aside, I’m so glad for days like this that I can look back on when a day isn’t so great.


It’s like I said earlier: